Sometimes we tend to hide our true feelings when asked by others. We can always smile, pretend as everything seems okay, when deep in our hearts we are hurting. Words unexpressed is a crime, so they say. Everyday lifes' challenge surrounds us, yet life is good as we struggle and emerged triumphant because life is beautiful after all... ( someone else wrote this and I would to give them credit but I forget who And I am sorry to that person. If that person reads this please tell me so I can give you the proper credit) I am bored so I am going to comment on how this makes me feel. Please excuse the spelling errors. the first sentence : no truer words were spoken ehh.. thats not right I am sure truer words have been spoken but I have been wanting to write that all day. I personally have stopped doing that if someone does not want to really now how I am feeling they should not ask me.
Yes we can smile and pretend every is O.K. and sure you can fool a lot people by doing that, but why would you want to ??? I mean I still do that once in a while... it's a bad habbit and every I do that I feel worse afterwards. I hear from all the councilers that I have to interact with smile you will feel better, fake it until you make it and other dribble like that. Well it is not all dribble  it has been proven that smiling does make feel better, but it is only temporary. I believe the grocery list of health problems I have had through-out my life can be traced back to all the shit I didn't talk about. ( ulcers, kidney stones, gall stone so big had to have whole gallbladder removed,  musle strains from just getting out of a chair, Cancer ect...)You need to learn to take bad feelings and embrace them, learn from them and deal with them so you can get on with your life and you can't do any of that unless you talk... talk your ass off. when something is bothering you. The more you let it out the less you can hold in. that is less stress and emotional flotsom that can punch holes in your hull. I know it is not easy. you will turn people away, but they asked you. If they were just trying to be polite, ask them how polite is it to ask a question when they don't want a real answer.
Words unexpressed is a crime that people commit all to often. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND BE MATURE ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. Why are people such cowards? Have you ever missed the opportunity to tell some one how you feel? I have more than once. Family and friends have died and I will never know  if they knew how much I loved them and that is a pain that will never go away. 
Everyday life's challenge surrounds us, yet life is good as we struggle and emerged triumphant because life is beautiful after all. Sure every day LIFE challenge's us life is not always good if it was we would never know we would have nothing to compare it to. we don't all struggle and come out triumphant. We do all struggle in our own way. I have struggled more than a lot of people that I know, but I know that there are millions of people that have had it worse than me. I than God when ever I can for the intestinal fortittude he has given me through suffering. I believe that no one is giving more than they can handle. I also believe that there are too many that don't want to try. Guy puts gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger because his lover left him? What does it do for him? It does not get back at them for causing him pain it just ends his opportunities at life. Person becomes a junkie because they don't like their reality. how lazy is that? Instead of getting off their ass and doing something positive (God forbid we all know how hard it is to make an effort) They stick a needle full of drugs into themselves. Is it to much work to think of the people your actions affect. Is there no conscious anymore? Now I don't think personally I will be triuphant until it is over and they have scattered my ashes. I will get through all the challenges until the last one. I truly think I am on this earth for a reason. I touch peoples lives everyday mostly in a positive way. I say mostly because I am not perfect by a long shot. I am human with all my frailties and my flaws, but I do make a concerted effort to do good things for other people and sometimes... Well most of the time it the little things that will make a difference in people's lives. Holding open a door for someone. Letting someone go in front of you at the market when they only have a couple of things ( are we really in such a rush we can't extend what used to be common courtesies) What a crap world this has become. I live in what is supposed to be the greatest country in the world but even such a simple statment like " it takes a village to raise a child" you have to go to a 3rd world country where don't have clean water or food to see that in action. I live in a country the I pledged my life to I offered to die for the most selfish country in the world. What was I thinking? My Grandfather fought in WW2 for the U.S. when he was 16 and after that in Korea to help liberate oppressed people He never talked about and never acknowledged the fact he was a hero and he will never know the pride I feel for what he did. His america was different... people had morals, they helped their neighbors and They had a way of life that was worth fighting for. I am embarrassed at how people in this country are now. Shame on you if you can't take the time to do something for someone else out of the kindness of your heart .Where you will get no personal gain ( except what you will feel in your heart) Shame on this money grubbing, selfish, would rather step over you than help you up society. Sorry I'm on a rant, but doesn't it bother you that your neighbor is more likely to let his dog crap on your lawn and not pick it up than help you fix your roof or paint your fence or put a band-aid on your kid's scraped knee? I know that is not the way it is for everyone but the majority of people are asses that are just looking out for themselves. What did our fore fathers fight and die for??? Don't ask me how I got here in this blog. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts I may have gone a little crazy from the heat. 

 just too much to right. Since my last post I have had more than run-in with my ex and all I am gonna say is still no child support going back to court on the 23rd. She'll pay then. I am also thinking of taking her to small claims court and trying to get kennel fees for her 2 cats that I have been taking care of for 6 months( I can't stand her cats 2 weeks ago one of them killed a 10 week old bunny I had bought for my daughters) around here the cheapest place charges 13 a night per cat and the owner pays for the food on top of that.
I spend a lot of time talking to lawyers, too much time.
Tonight I just want to write about thoughts and feelings I will try to stick to the good ones but no promises.
My ex girl"friend?' does not see "our" (using the term loosely)  daughters anymore. I won't let her. She said, " I won't be a part of their lives anymore" a few weeks ago so I won't let her see them. It pains me to say that my girls behavior has gotten better over the past 2 weeks. The longer they go with out seeing their biological mother the better they get. Isn't that awful??? How beaten down was I by this person to not see how bad of an influence she was??? Glad I have my head on straight now!!!!!!!
Money is still tight because of the mess that was left behind ( I lost  tens of thousands) so much for sticking to good thoughts. HA! 
It is not all bad I hear "I LOVE YOU" about 50 times a day from my girls.
I have met a beautiful Lady on line. Which leaves me happy, baffeled and very confused.
I am happy because she likes me.
I am baffeled because she likes me.
and I am confused  because I just don't know how to described myself   without scaring her off. I am a very complex man that is ruled by my heart and mind you know by feelings and logic  at the very same time. It is a constant battle. I can be the most loving person you have ever met aslong as you can handle the brutal truth that flows out of my mouth like the waters of the Mississippi in flood season. I am the exact opposite of myself daily (no I am not bipolar) There was a seperation between the two hemispheres of my brain and the synapses don't always fire like they should. Well most of the time they don't... On top of that I am a very deep thinker, a huge empath and extremely emotional. When I love I love for a very long time (my first love was a true love. I still loved her 10 years after we broke up) My second love. I stayed with her 4 and a half years after I knew she didn't love me and no I am not co-dependent. I do suffer from Post Traumatic Stress disorder and my second love was not real love. There was a piece missing from my heart, A piece that my mother had ripped from me when I was a child, Her bad parenting and eventual abandonment had left with something missing and when I had met my ex it was like a piece to a puzzle she was a perfect fit but she only replaced the piece that was missing. With her bad parenting she was a exact replacement not  a way to heal the wound. I realize now that all her bad qualities I found endearing and because of my trauma I was blinded and could not see them. All the crap she put me through subconsiously brought me back to my childhood and filled in the missing years. Filled it in with abuse but that was mind was trained for and I am assuming that almost 6 years of that has taken care of the years in my childhood that my mother wasn't there to abuse me.  I can say with no doubt that I am over her. When I think of her it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth although there is still some resentment for the way she treats the girls.
Let's get back to the woman I have meet. She Is Gourgeous big brown eyes, great hair, a beautiful smile and a rockin' body with this is the best part she has a wonderful personality. My computer is acting funny more later.

I don't speak french and after I translated this my friend told me I could have done this with out any work at all on google. I shoulda asked him first!    
This is to a girl ... well a lady I know who does speak french .Sombody let me know if she is gonna laugh at me!!

Ma Lisa douce que je pourrais perdre dans vos grands beaux yeux bruns et votre sourire pourrait éclaircir la nuit la plus sombre et je peux imaginer votre chaleur me dégelant sur le plus de wintery de jours. Je donnerais le Soleil, la Lune et toutes les étoiles dans les cieux si vous les avez demandé
(le soupir) mais je donnerais plutôt à mon monde pour partager avec moi pour un instant ou une éternité.  Let me know what you think O.K. 

 Two Choices

What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. Hi s Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, rec ognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' o nes to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.' So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:
1. Delete
2. Forward

it's morning, I haven't slept yet. That happens a lot. At 3 o'clock this morning my oldest woke up from a bad dream (at least one of my daughters wakes up every night from a bad dream if you read my blog you can understand why) I was (and still am)exausted I tried to tell her to think of good things that make her happy. Reverse phycology does not work on her anymore(telling her not to think of butterflies or lollipops) after around 15 minutes or so she started with the missing mommy thing and then a minute later she was afraid to go to the bathroom because all the lights weren't on in the whole house(just most of them)she got over that and then I gave her a hug and she said,"that makes me very happy Daddy and I love the new bunny you got us."
I know my blogs are like a sad, tragic, made for T.V. drama, but these are the little moments that I live forand they happen a little more everyday

 I'm afraid, after women read my blogs that none of them would want to ever meet me. My blogs tell a hellish part of my life that I'm still going through.
My life is complicated. There's no doubt about that and I'm sure that some people must think that I am an emotional basket case and that is just not true. I have never seen things more clearly in this world than I do now and emotionally I am holding pretty well considering what I have to deal with.
Example: My ex does not want to see my girls anymore because it is to hard for her.To hard for her?? She can't stop thinking about her self long enough to see what she has put us through. She could always find time for her ex-boyfriend but not for her daughters? most of the time in the past 5 months we still lived together and she couldn't remember to call to say goodnight when she was with him.
I can't stop writing this blog until it has all been said. I need to get this off my chest. I owe it to my girls. If you hold your emotions in you will wind up taking it out on somebody that doesn't deserve it and I can't let that happen to my girls. Their brothers and mother (I use both terms loosely) have done enough damage.
So for those of you who read this I apologize for the lack of humor and meaningful insite into anything. This blog of mine is just about my time in hell. It may not be good reading for most but some people that read this will now finally know what is going on without me actually having to tell them.

 I was a bit emotional at the end of the first part of this. I'm sure it will happen again. Thank GOD my little girls are survivors.
I'll tell you though, it sucks having to write this to help keep my emotions in check in front of them. FOR those of you that read this I know sounds like I'm whining,Well I'm NOT although you are entitled to your opinion, and please have the audacity to comment on my blog not your own or someone else's.
I know I'm going to jump around a lot when writing this. There is so much bullsh#t to sort through.
For 5 months I have been going through most of this alone. I have only been single for a month now, but my EX has not been around for me or my girls since the beginning of January when the boys father got involved.
AHHH the boys father. What a winner he is. He took off when her youngest was born. Never called sent a birthday card or anything. When my ex and him were together he cheated on her left her more than a couple of times got a new girlfriend and than while still with his new girlfriend knocked up my ex. The only reason this guy is involved is because his wife was pregnant (he wasn't getting any at home) and he didn't want to be know as "the father of those 2 pedophiles" This guy did as much to ruin our relationship as did her boys.
WHY are people like that? He was raised in a good family. His parents are good people taught him morals and raised him right. His sons destroyed my daughters lives (for now anyway) so he had to add to it. I would stomp a mud hole in his arse if I wasn't afraid of getting arrested and having my girls taken away.
REALLY how do people like that live themselves? Is there really that many without a conscience. gotta go for now must feed my girls lunch.

  I don't get out much. I am a single father that just got out of a 5 1/2 year relationship.
The woman I was with I love, she is the Mother of my little girls.I chose to have kids with her.
A couple of months after we started going out I fell head over heels in love with her. God! How love can screw with your instincts. Everything in my head said leave her, she had 2 boys that were out of control, her last boyfriend/friend was a murderer, bi-sexual and possibly a pedophile (that last 2 were just a gut feeling although after 6 years it turns out I am most likly right) she wasn't a good parent and generally not a good person (only if her friends knew how she talked behind thier backs and lied to them about everything just to make her self look good and I know if any of them read this they wuoldn't belive it because of the way she would belittle herself when she had her heart to heart talks, BUT BELIVE ME she only did that for sympathy she was so much worse) She was almost always helpful (to get away from her kids) Her boys spent most weekends with her mother or sisters and at least one weekday over there just she would not have to be a parent. Somehow I still fell in love with her.MY damn heart had more control over me than my head. I don't fall in love easily she was only the 2nd in my life and I have been with a lot of women. I'm not bragging but the numbers are staggering. For a good amount of time(almost 10 years) I would go out every night and I would date 3 or 4 women at a time and I had been doing that on and off since I was 13.
There was something special about her and I couldn't tell you what it was. I don't think it is there anymore, but I still love her
and as you read more of this you will think I am a complete jackass for having any feelings for her except for contempt, disgust,ect....I guess that is enough background for now.
Back to why I am a single Father now.
Back in December of 2007 I came home from doing a little Christmas shopping every thing seemed normal. The girls were fine(or so I thought) Her youngest son was in his room being punished which was typical and the other son was watching T.V.. I made myself some dinner. She was in her room on the computer, I ate, watched some T.V. About an hour and half later, My oldest daughter starts whinning, "daddy it hurts when I pee." Thinking she may have hurt herself riding her bike or climbing on something, I asked her why? and my worst nightmare had come true Her youngest son(he's almost 13 at the time this happened) had tried to sexually assault her with a coffee stirrer in the living room while I was at work earlier that day
Now I had been home for over an hour and a half and I had to here this from my prescious little 4 year old!!!
I asked her a few times if that was what happened and she keep telling me the same thing. I yelled upstairs to thier mother," Do you hear what our daughter is saying to me." and thier mother replied,"yes, It's true and he is being punished for it right now." WTF!!! so I screamed,(and the walls shook when I did)" did you call the cops?" she had said no she didn't so I screamed," When the hell did this happen?" so she told me it had happened about 8 hours ago. 8 hours ago? so I screamed again, " when the hell were you going to tell me?!" she said she didn't know how to tell me and she was going to tell me as soon as she figuired out how to tell me. I gave her a choice call the Department of Social Services right now and report this or I am calling the cops.
To skip ahead a little D.S.S. got involved.
Over the next couple of weeks my oldest daughter opened up more and more. This
had been going on for a while and the older brother(he was 14 at the time) had touched both of my little girls. As far as I know the older brother had only molested them( that is a hell of a thing to have say,"only molested") The younger brother had raped my oldest in the vaginia and the ass.Had masterbated over her
and the list of sick lacivious stuff goes on and on....
There so much more sick crap that the 2 boys had done and their mother continues to do to this day.
I have to stop for now. Iam having trouble seeing the keys through the tears.

 warning this letter is harsh but I just don't how to get through to her and I can't stop trying.She needs to be a better person so she can be a mother.( where there are &%$#$^ I'm not swearing just covering up names)
I know you think I have said done a lot things to be hurtful and mean, but the
fact is I still can not find a way to not sound mean. I do still love you, but
I have been so hurt by all your bad decisions and unwillingness to be a parent
for all these years I just don't how to get thruogh to you how IMPORTANT it is you face the truth. Not my truth - not your truth
but just the plain and honest truth. The way you see things is the way you want
to remember them not the way they happened. I'm not saying that you can't keep
running and hiding from it (you have been doing it for so long now it will
probably never catch up to you.) BUT the people you hurt along the way, don't they matter to you? I now know , as you always have that you never loved me and it is my fault for never listening to you when you would tell me that you didn't even know if you were capable of falling in love. So my heart break is on me. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU. Like I said though that's my fault.
When it comes to trust, well you spent a lot of time accusing me of sleeping around(which I didn't do as sad as it is all I wanted was you) While you were the one that acted like you were the one sleeping around. I know you didn't know this but I wrote down a lot of the times that you acted this way. It not so much that I remember all of this, but I keep coming across the notes that I kept. Like the time you talked to $#@%^ for 2 hours in Sept. of 2005 while I was there you had to go into the bathroom to talk to him with the door closed? you hardly ever closed the door. Or the fact the first six months we were together you would drop everthing if &%^$ called needing a massage which you would give to him in his room with the door closed, but you were always too tired or you would start a fight when I asked for one. How many times did the 2 of you screw around? you don't have to tell me but you should be honest with yourself about it. Even the stupid fact that you did ^&*%$ and then lied about it. Come on 20 minutes in your bedroom and then he's back out drinking with us. You really need to be honest with yourself about the stuff that you have done. I know it will be hard,(you're probably calling me an asshole now if it didn't start earlier) but you will never be able to heal until you face the real truth. You have done so many things that you have blocked out and lied to yourself about, wrongly blamed yourself for things you didn't do so you could experience guilt for the things you did do but couldn't face, it hurts me to see that even if I didn't love you it would still hurt.
You say that I am the one that does not have any feelings or sympathy, but if that was the truth why would I even care anymore? After all that you have done?
Just so you know I have finally figuired out (most likely I could be wrong) why I fell in love you. I had been with lots of women before you but didn't fall in love them. WHY? I had a hole in my heart that my mother left when she abandoned me and like a puzzle piece you fit in that hole. I am not trying to be mean when I say this, but you did act a lot like her with the overly aparent(except to me) lack of parenting skills, the lies and all the other crap.
I am SORRY if that hurts you. That is not my intesion and that is not why I still love you. I really do see a wonderful person inside of you fighting to get out. I just wish that you could deal with all your crap and let that person out because that is the person that can love and is worthy of love.
I really did not write this to hurt you and I doubt you will even bother to read this. Once again I wish you could, but I know you don't love me but I wish you would face the truth, the real truth so you can forgive and start loving yourself.

Sincerly Chris

 this is going to be a very blunt post.I know some of this crap overlaps but my mind is unorganized.
I can't sleep and it has been a very long day.
I was born a bastard child My mother got knocked up when my father slipped her a micky he told me this when I was 14.Three years after I first meet him.
I was abused as a child.Physically and sexually from the I was 4 to 8 years old
by my psychotic stepfather(my mother divorced him when i was 8 years old. I was stabbed the same year. My mother had a nervous breakdown and I started to drink and smoke. It was a busy year for my eventual descent into hell. My mother started to take off for days, weeks and finally months at a time to get drunk and laid. I used to break into people's houses to steal stuff to get money to pay the bills I also pumped gas across the street for 10 dollars a day and tips. this went on till just before my 13th birthday. That is when my mother moved us to Ohio. We moved into a house that should have been condemned. She moved into an apartment up stairs and left me down stairs with her speed addicted boyfriends brother who was an escaped mental patient. for the three months I lived there she would not feed me. after my first week I started smoking pot I was stoned for the next 3 years.For those of you who can't tell I was self medicating to treat my emotional trauma. (I wasn't aware of this myself till I was in my early thirties.)
The rest of my teenage years were filled with trouble.I was drunk most of the time (and no I am not an alcoholic just a person with an undiagnosed case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) When I was 20 I joined the Army That was in 1990 when I was 21 I fell out of a truck going around 35 mph. Landed on my head.was in a coma had to have brain surgery died twice on the operating table was told that maybe after a year or so of physical therapy I might be able to feed myself and maybe walk with a walker. A week later I was out of the hospital and I walked out on my own. Through out the rest of my twenties I worked a lot (80 hours a week was a slow week)
and continued to drink a lot raise hell blah blah....
When I was Thirty I was diagnosed with Cancer Underwent 6 months of intensive radiation(2 times a day) and kemo(Thank you DR.Wang From Mass General) when I was Thirty one I had to have my gallbladder removed. Gall stone the size of a golf ball This was done laprascopically There was a small tumor in my gallbladder it was cancerous and it spread through out my whole body in a matter of weeks. I was terminal so they said. I was given Three months to live. So I started to smoke cigarettes again (what the hell I was going to die anyways) I got drunk and continued to drink for the next four months I was not feeling sick I wanted to know why I was not dead yet. went back to the doctor and he could not find a trace of cancer in my body anywhere. I was pissed, I had burned a lot of bridges and planned my funeral and gave away most of my stuff.
I committed myself to a mental hospital before I killed myself (how do you un-prepare to die?)There is where I was finally diagnosed with PTSD. It was treated with anti-depressants and some therapy (WHY couldn't someone had done this when I was a child? It could have saved me a lifetime of pain and probably more than half million dollars on booze)
Don't get me wrong I had a lot of fun along the way, but why do so many people slip through the cracks? I went to psychiatrists and psychologists when i was a kid I didn't hide my problems how did I slip through?
I guess if your a religous person you have to belive God works in mysterious ways he must have preparing me for this crap I'm going through now.I know if it wasn't for my past I would NOT be able to handle this.
My faith has waviered more than once I have had many arguments with God, but I'm still here and so is he. These are just some of the things I have been thruogh. This is all I felt like talking about for now. Good night

 WHERE ARE THE REAL WOMAN???I mean honest woman that are not filled with shit. I'm so sick of the bullshit.
The truth can hurt, but not as much as finding out the truth after you have been lied to.
My girlfriend took off with her married ex-boyfriend They are together all the time and she still won't admit to it,she even answered her cellphone on accident at 1 am (she was supposed to be home at 10pm)while she was having sex.I'm sick of games and lies so please if you can't be honest with me move along and miss out on one of the greatest men you could ever meet.
yes my heart was broke, but what she did to our little girl's hearts is just twisted.
Now my ex is just being a bitch.She said she does not want to be a part of our little girls lives anymore. She still hasn't moved her stuff out yet (the lease is still in her name and legally she still lives here but she can't physically stay here because of a court order) and yesterday morning her 15 year old pet rabbit died. I spent the day leaving her msgs. in the afternoon she finally called me back said she didn't get any msgs. so I told her the rabbit had died and she said she would come and pick it up when me and my girls went out later that afternoon, so me and my girls go out and who do I see on their way to where she is? her married ex boyfriend. When we get home the dead rabbit is still there. I give my ex a call to find out why and she said something came up that she had to deal with and I asked her was it really more important than her pet that loved? and of course she said yes. She doesn't know that I seen her ex on his way to see her and one of her neighbors called me to tell me he was there for hours(the call from the neighbor was completely unsolicited) So why do so many women have to play stupid games. I wouldn't have gotten mad, she's not my girlfriend anymore, she made it very clear when her ex came back into her life that she didn't love me ( 5 months of treating me and my girls like dog shit before she left us) I do still love her, but I keep that in check with the constant reminders from her of how shallow she really is. I am a very loving person but my love for her is fading fast. If someone that is reading this that might be interested in me please don't get scared off. I'm not a basket case and I'm not going to get back together with her. I gotta go for now my girls are coming home soon

 I am a bastard. I have not lived a good moral life. I am going to use this to tell my life story. It will not be in a cronological order and I can't spell that good although I am not stupid last I.Q. test 163. My mind is cluttered with too much crap.
 It all started back in November of 1968 when my bio Father drugged my Mother "slipped her a Mickey" in his words. 9 months later there I was the bastard son born of rape (rape being a recuring subject throughout my life) I was born a blue baby with no heartbeat but as god would have it I made it through that.  Alot times in my life I still wonder why. I am not crying here but if you knew what I have been through! 
Still this is just a primer, some of the major bad points in my life and it was not all bad. I had alot of good times. 30 years of them being obscured with drugs and alcohol due to my post traumatic stress disorder. Disorder is a funny word. In my life the self medication was perfectly in order. HAHAHA if you knew me you would know how functionally disfunctionate I am. 
Up until 4 yrs. old I thought I was "Normal" I could read and write do math coloured within the lines could draw very well(THANK YOU AUNT DEBBIE) was not around alot of other kids though. I was in a special ed. program at Salem State Collage didn't think that was out of the norm. around the same time my mother met her first (maybe 2nd she was not the most honest person) husband. This guy was a real section 8 from the Air Force his whole family was nuts. His brother killed their Father chopped him up  and put a manhole cover on top of him in the bath tub. His sister my aunt "M"  has been locked up at least half a dozen times in a mental ward that I know of ( and I haven't had contact with her for 20 years) This man who married my mother also adopted me. that my life takes a turn for the worse. While on a trip to Disney World in 1976 with my aunt Deb and my uncle Peter my mother got married to this piece of shit pedofile. Need I say more. The next 2 yrs. of my life were very painful physically(?cant spell) and emotionally. I would be beat till I couldn't move then he would have his way with me.
The system failed me. IT NEVER STEPPED IN TO FIX ANYTHING. you will see that as my life goes on. in 1978 my Mother got a divorce from him I was 8 yrs. old my Mother started drinked heavily and shortly after I started drinkin' and smokin'. My mother would take off for days at a time, to start. As time went by she would be gone longer and longer. I had too start stealing to pay the rent. By the time I was 10 I was stealing and working (pumping gas for 10 dollars a day +tips) to pay the bills. My Mother had become a lot lizard and my sister (who is 2 and a 1/2 years older) was into drugs. I had grown up fast just to keep a roof over my head. As a minor I have a long police record, but only for stupid stuff. I was never charged with Theft or the other real crimes I had commited. It was always something stupid like truency or disturbing the peace or minor transporting.
well now you have some background.
Things did NOT get better as I got older. I was suicidal not directly , but I would do almost anything with no reguard for my life.